I can’t help but look at myself as a long list of things I can’t do right. I can’t focus, I am not friendly enough, I am socially awkward, I am lazy, I am dirty, I am disorganized, I don’t dress well, I don’t have as many friends as I wish I had, I am selfish, I have trouble making commitments, I am impatient, etc. I want to see the good things but I feel like I can’t until the bad disappears. I feel like I cannot be centered until I am balanced. And yet here I am complaining, rather than fixing my problems. But I still cannot figure out how to fix myself without breaking myself. 

Why am I so focused on myself? Does it even matter what I focus on, really, when I am just temporary and insignificant in the universe? I just want to plant a tree and feel like I am doing something more than worrying about insignificant things like school and myself and what I’ll eat for dinner. At least I have a choice of what to eat, and safe food to eat, right? Do I just take everything for granted? I think too much, all I do is worry about myself and what I am doing wrong. I should spend less time doing that and more time doing good.

first tattoo on sunday

scared but excited
I dunno

I thought it was love, until I realized

you only love the sound I make

under your shoe.

My current favorite bands are Brand New and Tiger’s Jaw. I am really into the whole indie rock/pop punk kinda instruments and heavy/emotional and poetic lyrics. They are my top two musical influences in writing lyrics as is my current Literature class where our recent reads include Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad Gita, Wordsworth, and Keats. 

I’m about to say something that may sound a bit crazy.

I value the lives of animals over human lives.

The first crazy part about this is that it makes sense to most people when in fact it doesn’t make sense, since humans are actually animals (surprise!). We are really just that separated. We put ourselves up on some damn pedestal as the “elite species” because we have been gifted mental ability rather than strength or instinct. And with that mental power we’ve chosen to separate ourselves from nature to the point that we are completely destroying it. Human lives have little value since there are literally billions of us. We’re expendable. Polar bears aren’t. And watch as we endanger and then cause the extinction of species after species and destroy natural habitats and ecosystems. We are the cause of the earths sixth mass extinction. The earth is our home but it does NOT belong to us. We are the chaos, we are the yin destroying the yang, we are the problem, we are the cancer of the earth.

So a human life, in my eyes, has little worth. We’re just animals. Not anything special.

Crying because I have never felt so stupid in my life. I studied for this test with two people who both made A’s, and I made a C. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself right now..

my current situation

starting a new semester of school was going well until everything just went wrong. quitting smoking to get a job has made things stressful, especially since I quit and still can’t find a job. no one will interview me until temporary positions open. on top of that, dealing with my boyfriend’s rage issues and getting him into counseling after a huge and traumatic fight has been a process, and now that that’s blown over I am trying to get my little sister into counseling because she sends me texts in the middle of the night telling me she cuts herself and wants to die. I’ve got 3 exams in the next two days and so much on my mind, I don’t know how I’m even functioning like this.

my dog Ralph was put to sleep around 3PM today.
every little reminder of him triggers more tears. the spot where he would lay on the couch, his collar, his crate, photographs…
it’s been a hard day.

I have lots of weird stories because I’ve done lots of weird stuff

packing my bag while my ferret unpacks my bag

So my medication gives me mood swings that I usually really, really hate

but sometimes they’re great because out of nowhere I’ll get REALLY happy/excited over absolutely nothing

so, I’m starting a band

if anyone has tips, feel free to send them my way

guess who’s going to a teenage bottlerocket show tonight?

I’ll give you a hint

I want to be a grown-up kid living in a city. I want to have a favorite cartoon, a crummy job that I love, a beat-up car with too many bumper stickers, and roommates with diverse interests that wear cool glasses and go to punk shows.

I want to be able to fit all my possessions into a backpack. I want to rely on the kindness of strangers to buy a bagel at a coffee shop and hitchhike from one town to another. I want to walk around in beat-up sneakers, smile at babies, and play guitar in bars at night.

I want to fall in love at a house show in Seattle. I will learn to love my body and they will learn to love me for who I am when we sleepily kiss on a winter morning. I want to tell stories about dumb things we’ve done in public places and eat breakfast for dinner as often as possible.

I want to live in Alaska and work as a nature photographer. I want to own a cozy home with old hardwood floors covered in oriental rugs, become a regular at a local diner, and buy everything I need from mom-and-pop shops with nice cashiers.

I guess I will always be the “other” friend.