"once an addict, always an addict"
this is unfortunately true.
My boyfriend just texted me and told me he was going to OD and kill himself because I told him I don’t want to talk right now after finding out he went through my conversations with a guy on Facebook while I was asleep last night.
I can’t help but look at myself as a long list of things I can’t do right. I can’t focus, I am not friendly enough, I am socially awkward, I am lazy, I am dirty, I am disorganized, I don’t dress well, I don’t have as many friends as I wish I had, I am selfish, I have trouble making commitments, I am impatient, etc. I want to see the good things but I feel like I can’t until the bad disappears. I feel like I cannot be centered until I am balanced. And yet here I am complaining, rather than fixing my problems. But I still cannot figure out how to fix myself without breaking myself.
Why am I so focused on myself? Does it even matter what I focus on, really, when I am just temporary and insignificant in the universe? I just want to plant a tree and feel like I am doing something more than worrying about insignificant things like school and myself and what I’ll eat for dinner. At least I have a choice of what to eat, and safe food to eat, right? Do I just take everything for granted? I think too much, all I do is worry about myself and what I am doing wrong. I should spend less time doing that and more time doing good.